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What is Rape?

Many of you may wonder if the assault that happened to your loved one was really rape. This question arises because the definition of rape has changed so often in recent years, and continues to do so. In the State of New Mexico, the actual physical actions that can be considered rape (criminal sexual penetration of female or male, child or adult) are: sexual intercourse--penetration of penis into vagina; cunnilingus--mouth to female genital area (or being forced to perform this act on a female offender); fellatio--mouth to penis (or being forced to perform this act on a male offender); anal intercourse--penetration of penis to anus), and penetration of the vagina or anus, to any extent with any object (for example fingers, bottles, broom handles etc.). Ejaculation does not have to occur for these activities to be considered rape when force or coercion is used which results in great mental anguish or great bodily harm to the victim. As of July 1991, it is a crime to rape your spouse.

Rape is often violent: forced thrusting during penetration, slapping, punching, kicking, pushing, dragging, as well as a weapon being present, threats to kill or hurt being made, or the use of insulting, humiliating remarks or forcing the victim to say such remarks. This type of rape is motivated mainly out of anger.

Another type of rape is called power rape. The goal is not sex, but control. Violence is often not used in these types of rapes: some victims may feel unsure if their assault was actually rape if they survived it physically unharmed. It is important to understand that, even if violence was not used, an incredible fear and overpowering feeling of having someone totally control your body occur as a result of any forced sexual assault. In power rapes, the offender may actually act affectionately once the victim is sufficiently under his control and may force the victim to speak and act affectionately towards him. These activities often further confuse a victim as to whether the assault can still be considered rape.

Social Factors

Rape victims range in age between 2 months and 96 years of age, according to national statistics. 50% of rape victims are between the ages 15 and 19--this age group is at the highest risk for rape. By the time females are 18 years of age, one of every three will have experienced some form of sexual abuse. For males, one in every six will have experienced abuse by the time they are 18. (Yes, males can be, and are, raped*). Rape occurs within all socioeconomic and racial groups--no one race or income level shows a higher incidence of rape.

At least 83% of victims will have met their assailant once before. Some victims will know him casually or will experience rape on a first or second date. This type of sexual assault is called 'date rape' or 'acquaintance rape'. It can be particularly confusing because the victim thought that they could trust this man and he violated that trust. While a large percentage of rapes happen on dates, 25% of all sexual assaults occur in the victim's own home. Among married couples, one of every seven women is raped by their husbands. Usually, only one out of every ten victims reports her rape to the police.

And about the rapist? Most men who rape are between the ages of 15 and 24. The chance that they have raped someone else before is high. Some experts say that many rapists were sexually molested as children. Although most rapists have poor social relationships with women, they do have access to sex--they are often married or have lovers with whom they have normal sexual relationships. Rapists are also from every walk of life, of every race and socioeconomic level. Although some men rape cross-culturally (White rapist/Hispanic victim, for example), they much more often rape women of their own race. Again, men rape out of anger, and/or a need for absolute control over someone, not because they need sex. The one quality most common among rapists is a very low sense of self-esteem. Their need to control, humiliate, frighten, and degrade other human beings allows them a sense of power, of being superior over at least one other person, even if it is for a very short while. Sexual assault is the tool they choose to obtain power and control--two feelings that don't otherwise exist in their lives. The rapist is guilty of a crime. IT IS NOT THE VICTIM'S FAULT!
*See section on Male Victims of Rape

Emotional Factors

Your loved one has survived a devastating and terrifying violent crime. It is helpful to remember the following points:

1. The survivor is not alone. Rape is the most frequently committed of violent crimes. Many others have experienced what your loved one is going through. Whatever they are thinking and feeling is common for many rape survivors.
   
   
2. They are alive. Rape is often a life-threatening experience. Whatever they did to stay alive was exactly the right thing to do. Even if the attack ended in rape or other injury, they did exactly the right thing to escape with their life. Some people may be asking why the survivor didn't scream or fight back; when someone feels threatened and a fear for their life or safety; they do what their instincts tell them in order to survive. In some instances, to not do what a rapist says--to even scream--could result in severe injury or death. There is little one can do to compensate for a rapist's physical size, especially when the element of surprise is in his favor. If the survivor feels guilt or self-blame, focus on the fact that above all, THEY SURVIVED!
   
   
3. The survivor will have some reactions to the assault. The thoughts and feelings the survivor is now experiencing result from not knowing whether they would live to see another day or not. Most of us go through life thinking that we will live a normal life span. When something happens to shatter that belief, however, the fact that they thought they faced death for even a split second will carry strong yet subtle effects with it. Having someone completely controlling your body and actions often leaves one feeling out of control in every aspect of their life following the rape. The reactions and feelings your loved one may have now, or in the near future, may include some or all of the following:
   
   
   • Shock or numbness--feeling nothing
   • Feeling out of control
   • Nightmares/not being able to sleep
   • Angry with themselves and/or others
   • Restless sleep/fear of the dark
   • Dependency on familiar friends
   • Depression/disorganization
   • Wondering what they did to deserve the attack
   • Feeling jumpy
   • Being worried that they will never be normal again
   • Denial that the rape happened
   • Eating problems/upset stomach
   • Denial that the rape was serious
   • Increased use of drugs or alcohol
   • Fear of public places
   • Cynicism
   • Fear of being alone
   • Fear of new relationships
   • Unable to make love
     
     
   After your loved one has experienced some of the above listed feelings and behaviors, they may begin to feel that they are in absolute control and handling everything extremely well. At any time during this controlled period, something may trigger their memory of the assault and throw them into crisis again. "I must be crazy" is a common thought during this crisis; however, feeling the effects of a sexual assault long after it has happened is not crazy. These feelings may surface when they are least expected. The survivor may choose to block them out or find themselves talking about the assault over and over again.
   
   All of this is typical, normal behavior for victims of rape. As the survivor experiences these feelings and behaviors, realize that a counselor could help them get through the rape and stop repeating unhealthy feelings and behaviors.
   
   
4. Counseling: The Road to Healing. It is common for a survivor to want to just forget what happened--to not think about it, to put it behind them. They will never forget it; but dealing with it, talking about it with a counselor, and learning how to get through it will make remembering much less painful. Having a safe place to talk about the assault and their thoughts and feelings can take pressure off of handling them alone. It is important to see a counselor a few times a month for awhile to help them regain their perspective on life, other people, men and themselves. They had to endure the sexual assault alone; they don't have to endure the after effects alone.

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